Agent Perspective

I thought it would be interesting to think about what agents probably hear from us nutty, creative writers as we try to hock our wares in the marketplace. How would you answer the following question?

Agent: Why should I represent your work to a publisher?

Fern: My grandma likes it.

Agent: Would your grandmother like anything you wrote?

Fern: Of course. She is my grandma.

Agent: Right.

Agent: Why should I represent your work to a publisher?

Jayne: When you say work, do you mean, like, my idea? Because my idea is original. I own it.

Agent: Can you tell me about your work?

Jayne: It’s awesome, like, literally the best story ever. I mean, it’s all in my head right now. I’ll just jot the story down after I get my advance. I mean, you don’t expect me to produce anything without a little something-something to inspire my creativity, do you?

Agent: I don’t know if I expect you to produce anything.

Jayne: No something- something?

Agent: No.

Agent: Why should I represent your work to a publisher?

Jessica: My high school reunion is coming up and I really ought to have something to show for that last decade.

Agent: So, is it a memoir?

Jessica: A mem-what?

Agent: Okay.

Agent: Why should I represent your work to a publisher?

Finley: I’d like to be a secret agent.

Agent: Oh?

Finley: Yes, I was at this party once and someone mentioned that a great agent cover story is to be an aspiring writer. No one ever asks follow-up questions of aspiring writers.

Agent: Oh. So, then why are you here and not in service?

Finely: Well, I tried the secret agent agency and they turned me down. So, I thought, maybe, that I could at least pretend to be a secret agent when I am at parties by telling people that I am an aspiring writer.

Agent: Uh-huh.

Agent: Why should I represent you work to a publisher?

Travis: I write good.

Agent: Do you mean that you write well?

Travis: No, I write good.

Agent: All right.

Agent: Why should I represent your work to a publisher?

Trina: My boyfriend broke up with me last year. He said he needed space. But, it’s been a whole year. How much space does he need? So, I thought, I’ll just write a bestseller, make gobs of money, he’ll come crawling back on his bruised knees, I’ll take him back, dump him to show him that I mean business, then I’ll take him back for good and we’ll live in our McMansion and make two perfect children, Bobby and Susie.

Agent: Wow. That is a plan, isn’t it?

Trina: Or, I won’t take him back the second time and when Oprah has me on her show to talk about my life-changing bestseller, I will denounce him as a loser. She’ll laugh, of course, we’ll push Gayle aside, and Oprah and I will live in my McMansion, have two dogs that we will refer to as our children, named Bobbie and Susie. I’m okay with either scenario. So, are you going to represent my work?

Agent: I’m sorry. What was your work called again?

Trina: The Girlfriends Guide to Life Planning. I feel so sorry for all the women in the world who wander around with no clue.

Agent: Do you? How ironic.

Trina: My book?

Agent: I’ll get back to you. If you haven’t heard from me in six weeks, know that I loved it, think you will be a wonderful writer one day, blah, blah, blah, but your work is probably better suited for a more talented agent than me, blah, blah, blah.